Wednesday, October 13, 2010


I never intended for this to become what it has become but that's why I changed the title & theme of my page. This is my outlet to express myself when I have no one else to turn to. Hopefully somebody out there can feel me.

This is not a cry for help. This is a plea to anyone out there dealing with the same things that I am....

Please try to hold on...

I write this with tears in my eyes. I never expected my life to be this rough. Emotional & psychological turmoil. The only way to describe myself. I don't know who to share my pain with. The people I love don't understand what I'm attempting. It really does feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. Just realized that fighting off the effects of genetic depression is way harder than I expected. I didn't believe that depression can be passed down through DNA until hearing it from my father. It opened my eyes & helped for a little while but somehow, someway, it finds a way to destroy me in ways unimaginative.

It's grip is powerful. Makes you consider things you never would have thought of. But I could never do the unthinkable. Too many people love & care for me to do that. So do I just spend the rest of my life being miserable? I know that once I finish typing this I'll feel better & probably fall asleep but what about tomorrow? And the day after that? This shit is wearing me out. I see it my face. Is going through all this even worth me trying?

It's often said that "only on the brink of total annihilation will a person finally change". I swear to GOD I'm trying not to wait to arrive to that point. I feel like this has to happen now but it can't happen ovenight. It's not supposed to. Sick of the arguments, sleepless nights, the tears.....

I'm just pleading with myself for patience. I'm too smart to throw everything away. I'm struggling to hold on....I pray you do the same.

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