I never intended for this to become what it has become but that's why I changed the title & theme of my page. This is my outlet to express myself when I have no one else to turn to. Hopefully somebody out there can feel me.
This is not a cry for help. This is a plea to anyone out there dealing with the same things that I am....
Please try to hold on...
I write this with tears in my eyes. I never expected my life to be this rough. Emotional & psychological turmoil. The only way to describe myself. I don't know who to share my pain with. The people I love don't understand what I'm attempting. It really does feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. Just realized that fighting off the effects of genetic depression is way harder than I expected. I didn't believe that depression can be passed down through DNA until hearing it from my father. It opened my eyes & helped for a little while but somehow, someway, it finds a way to destroy me in ways unimaginative.
It's grip is powerful. Makes you consider things you never would have thought of. But I could never do the unthinkable. Too many people love & care for me to do that. So do I just spend the rest of my life being miserable? I know that once I finish typing this I'll feel better & probably fall asleep but what about tomorrow? And the day after that? This shit is wearing me out. I see it my face. Is going through all this even worth me trying?
It's often said that "only on the brink of total annihilation will a person finally change". I swear to GOD I'm trying not to wait to arrive to that point. I feel like this has to happen now but it can't happen ovenight. It's not supposed to. Sick of the arguments, sleepless nights, the tears.....
I'm just pleading with myself for patience. I'm too smart to throw everything away. I'm struggling to hold on....I pray you do the same.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Schizophrenic Conversations
The following is a self analysis. Just thought I'll share with yall.
"so come inside my head with me" -Aaron Lewis "Schizophrenic Conversations"
How does one let go of themselves? Why does one continue to cling on with deathly grip to someone they no longer want to be?
We talk shit about embracing change but fear of it is embedded in every humans DNA. We long for stability, though most of us aren't deserving of it.
But this isn't about yall. I'm self-centered and this is about me. Selfish ass me.
Being selfish is a trait I've long ago admitted to but have yet to disregard its powerful grasp on my psyche. As I continue to grow & evolve I keep coming back to selfishness wondering "What's really wrong with that? Self-preservation ain't a bad thing to consider especially when consider your own feelings"
But you see how quickly and easily that happens? How quickly I doubt everything? This, unfortunately, is how my mind operates. My thoughts easily usurped by themselves. My brain is like the 3 branches of government without the checks & balances. Capable of vetoing & overriding anything it comes up no matter how beneficial it is to me & the people in my life I'm trying to shake this selfishness for.
So I ask you again: "How does one let go of themselves?"
Do I think too deeply? Am I worried about the wrong thing? Is this the early stages of insanity?
Maybe the problem is.........These are things I'm not meant to understand no matter how desperately I want to. Even though this is my mind, maybe I shouldn't dig so deep into it, or else you end up with more question then answers.
I can't lie, the fear of change has a grip on me. But the what if's, the how's, and the why's are the very things that stand in our way. Simply put, the answer to all those question is: Let it go. Do the opposite of what you would normally do in a situation where you feel those questions starting to place doubt in one's mind.
There I answered my own questions. Now can I follow my own advice, who knows. But I do know this, I'm not so crazy after all.
"so come inside my head with me" -Aaron Lewis "Schizophrenic Conversations"
How does one let go of themselves? Why does one continue to cling on with deathly grip to someone they no longer want to be?
We talk shit about embracing change but fear of it is embedded in every humans DNA. We long for stability, though most of us aren't deserving of it.
But this isn't about yall. I'm self-centered and this is about me. Selfish ass me.
Being selfish is a trait I've long ago admitted to but have yet to disregard its powerful grasp on my psyche. As I continue to grow & evolve I keep coming back to selfishness wondering "What's really wrong with that? Self-preservation ain't a bad thing to consider especially when consider your own feelings"
But you see how quickly and easily that happens? How quickly I doubt everything? This, unfortunately, is how my mind operates. My thoughts easily usurped by themselves. My brain is like the 3 branches of government without the checks & balances. Capable of vetoing & overriding anything it comes up no matter how beneficial it is to me & the people in my life I'm trying to shake this selfishness for.
So I ask you again: "How does one let go of themselves?"
Do I think too deeply? Am I worried about the wrong thing? Is this the early stages of insanity?
Maybe the problem is.........These are things I'm not meant to understand no matter how desperately I want to. Even though this is my mind, maybe I shouldn't dig so deep into it, or else you end up with more question then answers.
I can't lie, the fear of change has a grip on me. But the what if's, the how's, and the why's are the very things that stand in our way. Simply put, the answer to all those question is: Let it go. Do the opposite of what you would normally do in a situation where you feel those questions starting to place doubt in one's mind.
There I answered my own questions. Now can I follow my own advice, who knows. But I do know this, I'm not so crazy after all.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Really It's Not You....It's Me...
Dear Rap:
I don't think we can be cool anymore. I don't know what it is. Well actually I do, it's not you, it's me. Since Febuary I've been struggling to figure out a way to make this work and continue our relationship but honestly I can't find one. I left you hints that I thought you would notice: I haven't written here in months, the canceled Sirius subscription, the fact that I would rather listen to sports talk, or the fact that I haven't brought an album in months even though some of my favorite MC's released new material. I realize that I'm getting too old and you are passing me by.
I warned you about going the corporate route & I'm not mad that you're getting your money but you forgot where you came from. You showed signs of promise, but what's become commonplace over the last few years is that movements start and then the movement stalls. "Exhibit C" (remember that?)was supposed to be the "game changer" & yet 6 months later nothing's changed. I've been going to shows & the same shit continues. 20 dudes with 20 mics yelling indecipherable lyrics over their vocal tracks instead of the instrumental. No life stories or experiences, just metaphors. No imagination, just follow the trend.
I'm disappointed in you, but more disappointed in us because we allowed it to happen. Instead of caring we showed indifference & apathy. Instead of standing up & saying "We demand better" we yelled "Oh, let's do it". Instead of unity, there's division. On the one side there's "fun" on the other "business" on the other "Real hip hop" and on the other "emotional rap".
We have mutual friends that I will continue to work with & support but as I grow older I realize that we're done because I am guilty of that same indiffernce. I came to that epiphany while coming back from a show with CientifiQ a few weeks ago. We discussed why you took the direction you did but I couldn't speak on my disappointment because good dudes like him still love & care about you. Before I am accused of being a grumpy old crumedgeon who doesn't understand & complain about you all day (which I've been called already) I would rather just walk away and let you live your life the way you see fit. You have always been more then just "music" to me & I don't want to spend the rest of my days talking about the past. I have to keep looking forward and you really aren't giving me much to look forward to.
You will always be in my heart and I will always check in with you from time to time to see how you are doing and make sure you're okay. I've changed the name of this page because even though you helped save my life, I've grown & matured more.
I wish I could say the same for you.
Yours Truly,
Gargamel Jermel
P.S. Welcome to "The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote"
I don't think we can be cool anymore. I don't know what it is. Well actually I do, it's not you, it's me. Since Febuary I've been struggling to figure out a way to make this work and continue our relationship but honestly I can't find one. I left you hints that I thought you would notice: I haven't written here in months, the canceled Sirius subscription, the fact that I would rather listen to sports talk, or the fact that I haven't brought an album in months even though some of my favorite MC's released new material. I realize that I'm getting too old and you are passing me by.
I warned you about going the corporate route & I'm not mad that you're getting your money but you forgot where you came from. You showed signs of promise, but what's become commonplace over the last few years is that movements start and then the movement stalls. "Exhibit C" (remember that?)was supposed to be the "game changer" & yet 6 months later nothing's changed. I've been going to shows & the same shit continues. 20 dudes with 20 mics yelling indecipherable lyrics over their vocal tracks instead of the instrumental. No life stories or experiences, just metaphors. No imagination, just follow the trend.
I'm disappointed in you, but more disappointed in us because we allowed it to happen. Instead of caring we showed indifference & apathy. Instead of standing up & saying "We demand better" we yelled "Oh, let's do it". Instead of unity, there's division. On the one side there's "fun" on the other "business" on the other "Real hip hop" and on the other "emotional rap".
We have mutual friends that I will continue to work with & support but as I grow older I realize that we're done because I am guilty of that same indiffernce. I came to that epiphany while coming back from a show with CientifiQ a few weeks ago. We discussed why you took the direction you did but I couldn't speak on my disappointment because good dudes like him still love & care about you. Before I am accused of being a grumpy old crumedgeon who doesn't understand & complain about you all day (which I've been called already) I would rather just walk away and let you live your life the way you see fit. You have always been more then just "music" to me & I don't want to spend the rest of my days talking about the past. I have to keep looking forward and you really aren't giving me much to look forward to.
You will always be in my heart and I will always check in with you from time to time to see how you are doing and make sure you're okay. I've changed the name of this page because even though you helped save my life, I've grown & matured more.
I wish I could say the same for you.
Yours Truly,
Gargamel Jermel
P.S. Welcome to "The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote"
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Untitled (After Texas Relays Rant)
Wow!!! The day before my birthday last year was the last time I been here. Crazy right? Actually I haven't had stuff to write about....I mean I have but I'm suffering from a serious case of writer's block. But if you don't follow me on twitter here's the lowdown on my real life...
I lost my job after 5 years which actually falls into accordance with a plan me & my wife made 2 years ago, albeit unexpectedly. I've been to a lot of shows: Wale, Crew54, Big Tuck & others thanks to what I'm now considering my new job www.hotbox254.com. Despite things being somewhat stressful, its great to know that working on something that involves this culture gives me great pride.
I mean of course I do have to put up with & listen to a LOT of rap that I personally don't enjoy but once again who am I to say that you won't like it. From where I sit there's a lot of promise in the future for hip-hop despite what the naysayers may say. I already see things becoming more fragmented in terms of regions & cities where if you just want to be hot there, that's fine. The game only has very little room at the top and once you get there its only going to be fleeting, so you need to take advantage of every opportunity presented to you be it local or for free.
One of the reasons we started The Hot Box was we believe that in order for the culture to continue to grow we must start at our homebase. We believe we have legitmate talent down here in Central Texas in music of all varieties not just hip hop and we want to share them with not only the local scene but with everybody. (Sidebar: It's almost 5 am and I'm writing this so call this The Hot Box Manifesto) And one thing we believe is giving the independents a shot and letting YOU the listener decide & let them know your opinion. We believe we will be the PREMIERE ENTERTAINMENT WEBSITE in our area and we do (almost) whatever it takes to be it.
Maybe its the Tequilia, maybe its the puffery. But I do know this, I still believe in hip-hop, I still believe in our culture. I just do, and we are going to showcase it to you. Peace
I lost my job after 5 years which actually falls into accordance with a plan me & my wife made 2 years ago, albeit unexpectedly. I've been to a lot of shows: Wale, Crew54, Big Tuck & others thanks to what I'm now considering my new job www.hotbox254.com. Despite things being somewhat stressful, its great to know that working on something that involves this culture gives me great pride.
I mean of course I do have to put up with & listen to a LOT of rap that I personally don't enjoy but once again who am I to say that you won't like it. From where I sit there's a lot of promise in the future for hip-hop despite what the naysayers may say. I already see things becoming more fragmented in terms of regions & cities where if you just want to be hot there, that's fine. The game only has very little room at the top and once you get there its only going to be fleeting, so you need to take advantage of every opportunity presented to you be it local or for free.
One of the reasons we started The Hot Box was we believe that in order for the culture to continue to grow we must start at our homebase. We believe we have legitmate talent down here in Central Texas in music of all varieties not just hip hop and we want to share them with not only the local scene but with everybody. (Sidebar: It's almost 5 am and I'm writing this so call this The Hot Box Manifesto) And one thing we believe is giving the independents a shot and letting YOU the listener decide & let them know your opinion. We believe we will be the PREMIERE ENTERTAINMENT WEBSITE in our area and we do (almost) whatever it takes to be it.
Maybe its the Tequilia, maybe its the puffery. But I do know this, I still believe in hip-hop, I still believe in our culture. I just do, and we are going to showcase it to you. Peace
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